Failure to cope

I want so badly to make this an interesting post, one that will provoke you to think, one that will make you laugh... or something like that.   I AM almost a week late with this anyway.

But I can't quite do that.   I can't quite sit here and muster up the energy to blow smoke in your ears when I'm NOT doing so great.  I don't FEEL all that well.   I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night in the last week (except last night).    I only ran ONCE in the last 7 or 8 days.  I haven't had devotions or any GOOD Jesus time in at LEAST 7 or 8 days.   I don't even think I've played dominos this week (and that stinks!).  I'm hurting for some pals who have it rough right now.   I'm shoveling M&Ms in my mouth as fast as I can and I'm gulping coffee and coke at a record rate.    I'm sooo tired, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed and I'm remembering those days at Samana when I was sitting on the beach and it seems like 10 trillion years away.   UGH- and I HATE whining and I'm sooooo whining right now.   I could be hanging out with Jesus this very minute and I SHOULD be.  But let me put down some thoughts first and then I'll go see if He will fix me up tonight.  

I should first mention that I am coming off a week of working with possibly one of the greatest surgical teams that have ever existed.   I LOVED being in the clinic with them.  I felt like I LEARNED from them and laughed with them and just generally could tell that they loved it here and adored the patients.  Oh- and did I mention that like, literally, the coolest patients come here?    These little kiddies that come in for their tonsils and adenoids are soooo cute and their parents are amazing and I just love being a part of it.   And we did a record amount of thyroid surgery in the General Surg room this week and that was new for me too!   And I love to hear where the patients come from and their stories and one little 2 year old brought me some roasted peanuts the next day after his surgery and I almost cried.

But the thing with medicine is this:  not everything turns out the way you think it will.  Sometimes things get scary.  And we had a scary moment this week and suddenly there was an emergency and a transfer and I was petrified.  And I am SO grateful that this amazing team was here and that they know stuff and they are phenomenally competent and God was WITH us.   But the scary moment wiped me out.   It shook me up.   It reminded me that.......the best laid plans........right?  

And so I've been failing to cope.  What I NEED to do is to collapse on my bed and cry for about an hour and then thank God for His mercy and continue to petition Him in this situation.   But I don't FEEL like  it.  I don't FEEL like crying and I don't have the good-God FEELING right now.   I feel NUMB.  I KNOW He's there.  I'm just telling you guys the ugly part of me, the part of me that would rather run around here folding laundry and working in the med room and talking to friends instead of dealing with my faithless heart.   Cuz thats just distraction, right?   I'd rather do things that I think I can CONTROL instead of dealing with the fact that the world spins madly on and God ALONE is sovereign.    I'd rather be stupid I guess.  Faithless heart.    As if fussing with light bulbs around here is going to change the fact that bad stuff happens sometimes and I can't see how God is going to use it for good.   i just can't- not yet.  

I'm almost afraid to open up Jesus Calling for today.   I'm wondering what He wants to say to me.  Soooo  I'm gonna open it and we'll read it together.   Here goes:

"Linger in My Presence a while.  Rein in your impulses to plunge into the day's activities.  Beginning your day alone with Me is essential preparation for success.  A great athlete takes time to prepare him mentally for the feat ahead of him before he moves a muscle.  Similarly, your time of being still in my Presence equips you for the day ahead of you.  Only I know what will happen to you this day.  I have arranged the events you will encounter as you go along your way.  If you are not adequately equipped for the journey, you will GROW WEARY AND LOSE HEART.  Relax with me when I ready you for action. "   Ephesians 2:10 and Hebrews 12:3.

I think I might need to go and get adequately equipped right now.

Peace out-

nik

PS I feel like I should apologize to everyone who thinks that missionaries (or whatever you want to call me)  are like these super Godly people who speak "Christianese" and never have any doubts and are Suzie Sunshine all the time.  That's just not me, guys.   Forgive me if I've offended you.   Life is HARD.  It's better with Jesus, no doubt...but it's still hard.    I'd rather be raw and real about it.