The Missing Earring

I seem to live a life of extremes.  Maybe I've ALWAYS been this way...up or down, running around or asleep at the switch,  loca or trankilo....but this past week, these past two weeks- it's been a kaleidoscope of emotions and drama.  

I've been in the barrios the last two weeks and while it has been amazing and beautiful and I look forward soooo much to going- it's completely exhausting.   Not so much physically, although I do feel a bit roughed up....but emotionally and spiritually.   I find myself lying awake at night running through the educational scenarios, hoping I've remembered what I'm supposed to be taking, that I've called all the referrals we've gotten for surgery for next week, that I've made the copies the groups need, wondering if my BP cuff is still in my bag, etc etc etc. etc. and the litany goes on and on.   I lost an earring that I just love.  I've been MISSING my family a lot.  I haven't been completely honest with one of my friends.   It's been way too long since I've been to the track.   My quiet time/devotion time/Jesus time is a joke.   I woke up this morning in a complete panic wondering if we have enough Fentanyl for surgery this coming week.   Got a phone call earlier this week that I was just DREADING and hoping wouldn't happen.  And it did.  There just hasn't been a lot of PEACE.  There has been a lot of worry and panic and edginess and fear.   There has NOT been much sleep.  And of course the people-pleaser part of me is just hoping that the whole world is enamored with everything here and stressed out that maybe they are not.   Ugh.  Exhausting.  Why do I do this to myself?  Where is my faith?    These groups have been so amazing and wonderful- I want to pour into them.  And I feel.....so....tired.  

I rode on the back of a motorcycle to Hondo Valle (from Cercado) yesterday and for a few minutes I was lost.   Lost in how glorious this world is.  Lost in the air and breeze and pine trees and coffee plants.   Soaking in the quiet for 2 seconds.   Trying to grasp how big God is, how much I NEED to trust Him, how much He wants to carry these worries of mine.  Struggling with how to give them to Him and be in PEACE.   I stood up before the people waiting in line in Hondo Valle yesterday and tried to share in my little charlas.    I talk about the importance of drinking water and then try to segue way into Jesus being our Living Water, that of course I can drink my little glass of water today and be thirsty in another hour...but that the water of Jesus Christ will quench our thirst forever.   I talk about parasites and how they are obtained here....and how to prevent them.  And then I talk about spiritual parasites like GUILT and FEAR and SHAME and how only Jesus can really rid us of these parasites.   I talk and talk and talk, painfully PAINFULLY (how humbling it is!)  in spanish, hoping that my words are heard and understood.  

And today as I was reflecting back on my trust issues (or lack of trust issues)- it struck me that I (ME!  Nicole Eby!) am thirsty for this living water...and that I have these spiritual parasites of GUILT and STRESS and WORRY and the LIST GOES ON.   And that really....only Jesus can take this off of me.   Only Jesus is going to help me sleep deeply in peace.  

Bienva reminded me again this morning (after she bailed me out of the fentanyl issue and completely saved the day) that I should wake up and PRAISE God and before my feet even HIT the floor- I should read my Bible and Jesus Calling and start my day off like that.  And this isn't exactly NEWS to me- I know very well that I SHOULD do it.   Even though I rarely do. So I want to praise Him now....for exactly EVERYTHING that I am whining about.    Because I know nothing passes through His Hands that He hasn't filtered for me.   And after boohooing for the last 2 days I'm ready to stop and get serious about handing it off to Jesus.  

After I came to this realization YET again.....I was walking out near the wash line when I noticed a little glint in the ground.  It was my missing EARRING!  I had kinda muttered a half-prayer this morning about it.....grumbling about how I always lose the earrings that I love and why is everything crap and grumble grumble grumble.   And there it was- nearly buried in the ground!  Seemed like a precious little Jesus moment- that He was reminding me "I care about the earring....but I care WAY more about losing you.  Stick around....I can really bail you out.....".

So here we go again.  Me and Jesus.  Me wondering if it will always be luchando (wrestling).  Him with His arms around me reminding me "You really aren't alone.  You REALLY aren't.  Give it up mi hija- I have your back".