I want so badly to make this an interesting post, one that will provoke you to think, one that will make you laugh... or something like that. I AM almost a week late with this anyway.
But I can't quite do that. I can't quite sit here and muster up the energy to blow smoke in your ears when I'm NOT doing so great. I don't FEEL all that well. I haven't slept more than 5 hours a night in the last week (except last night). I only ran ONCE in the last 7 or 8 days. I haven't had devotions or any GOOD Jesus time in at LEAST 7 or 8 days. I don't even think I've played dominos this week (and that stinks!). I'm hurting for some pals who have it rough right now. I'm shoveling M&Ms in my mouth as fast as I can and I'm gulping coffee and coke at a record rate. I'm sooo tired, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed and I'm remembering those days at Samana when I was sitting on the beach and it seems like 10 trillion years away. UGH- and I HATE whining and I'm sooooo whining right now. I could be hanging out with Jesus this very minute and I SHOULD be. But let me put down some thoughts first and then I'll go see if He will fix me up tonight.
I should first mention that I am coming off a week of working with possibly one of the greatest surgical teams that have ever existed. I LOVED being in the clinic with them. I felt like I LEARNED from them and laughed with them and just generally could tell that they loved it here and adored the patients. Oh- and did I mention that like, literally, the coolest patients come here? These little kiddies that come in for their tonsils and adenoids are soooo cute and their parents are amazing and I just love being a part of it. And we did a record amount of thyroid surgery in the General Surg room this week and that was new for me too! And I love to hear where the patients come from and their stories and one little 2 year old brought me some roasted peanuts the next day after his surgery and I almost cried.
But the thing with medicine is this: not everything turns out the way you think it will. Sometimes things get scary. And we had a scary moment this week and suddenly there was an emergency and a transfer and I was petrified. And I am SO grateful that this amazing team was here and that they know stuff and they are phenomenally competent and God was WITH us. But the scary moment wiped me out. It shook me up. It reminded me that.......the best laid plans........right?
And so I've been failing to cope. What I NEED to do is to collapse on my bed and cry for about an hour and then thank God for His mercy and continue to petition Him in this situation. But I don't FEEL like it. I don't FEEL like crying and I don't have the good-God FEELING right now. I feel NUMB. I KNOW He's there. I'm just telling you guys the ugly part of me, the part of me that would rather run around here folding laundry and working in the med room and talking to friends instead of dealing with my faithless heart. Cuz thats just distraction, right? I'd rather do things that I think I can CONTROL instead of dealing with the fact that the world spins madly on and God ALONE is sovereign. I'd rather be stupid I guess. Faithless heart. As if fussing with light bulbs around here is going to change the fact that bad stuff happens sometimes and I can't see how God is going to use it for good. i just can't- not yet.
I'm almost afraid to open up Jesus Calling for today. I'm wondering what He wants to say to me. Soooo I'm gonna open it and we'll read it together. Here goes:
"Linger in My Presence a while. Rein in your impulses to plunge into the day's activities. Beginning your day alone with Me is essential preparation for success. A great athlete takes time to prepare him mentally for the feat ahead of him before he moves a muscle. Similarly, your time of being still in my Presence equips you for the day ahead of you. Only I know what will happen to you this day. I have arranged the events you will encounter as you go along your way. If you are not adequately equipped for the journey, you will GROW WEARY AND LOSE HEART. Relax with me when I ready you for action. " Ephesians 2:10 and Hebrews 12:3.
I think I might need to go and get adequately equipped right now.
Peace out-
nik
PS I feel like I should apologize to everyone who thinks that missionaries (or whatever you want to call me) are like these super Godly people who speak "Christianese" and never have any doubts and are Suzie Sunshine all the time. That's just not me, guys. Forgive me if I've offended you. Life is HARD. It's better with Jesus, no doubt...but it's still hard. I'd rather be raw and real about it.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
BRINGING IT!
Yay- Team Number One of the fall teams is HERE! They arrived without most of their luggage but with happy hearts and excitement. And I'm excited too. It's gonna be epic!
I had a good last couple days though....last minute meetings at some of the schools, one last quick trip to Cercado (ahhhhhhhhhhh joy), a tender moment spent at the bedside of a terminally ill woman holding her 3 month old bee-yoo-ti-ful grandson- these are times I wouldn't trade here for anything. One of the guys on the team this morning asked me what I loved about it here and I sometimes don't even know how to respond to that question. But I try. I talk about the unbelievable people here, how they live wide open and they welcome me like family and they are all about the relationships that we have. I talk about how I love the programs that I'm working with here, helping in the clinic, assisting with the sponsorship stuff at the schools, prepping for the barrio teams, cruising around doing home visits with the Child Nutrition Project. I BELIEVE in the programs that we have here and I LOVE participating. I love my friends here. I loved seeing Nef and Sandy last night at Principe de Paz helping lead an amazing Youth Rally with like HUNDREDS of youth poured into that place. I love the drama of baseball and dominos and hoping the blue truck will start.
But the moments when I feel God MOST here sneak up and surprise me. When Baby Nicole was born in the campos.... when those kids with the horrible pus-infected-heads showed up at Sobacon and made me cry... when I sit on the back on a moto cruising out to Pueblo Nuevo and the sun is juuuuusssstttt coming down over that river at the bridge... when Kari and I are running at the track and the sky grows bigger around us and we can hear all the gente around us gabbing and laughing and doing their thing.... and when I sit by candlelight at a dying woman's bed and rock her grandson to sleep.... these minutes, these precious precious minutes....make me know I was created for this. That He is giving me this and letting me FEEL Him here with me...and hey, that just doesn't happen in life every day now, does it? :) And the hilarious thing is that none of those moments exactly have a job description or a definition- they just happened somehow someway when i was somewhere I was maybe supposed to be. Or maybe not.
I'm gonna sit here this morning- it's quiet in the Guesthouse cuz the team is at church and I'm hanging here hoping the luggage will show up...and I'm chilling HARD. I'm looking at a picture of me when I was maybe 19 or 20, in Haiti on my first mission trip- I cried every day- it was really hard- and I'm holding a little girl named Milla. Milla with Fathoms of Stories In Her Eyes. And I'm reading Jesus Calling, because- really- every single time that I remember to read it- Jesus SPEAKS through the pages. And today it says:
"When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. "
Psalms 34: I will bless the Lord at all times;
Digging it....but I bet you could tell that already.
nik
I had a good last couple days though....last minute meetings at some of the schools, one last quick trip to Cercado (ahhhhhhhhhhh joy), a tender moment spent at the bedside of a terminally ill woman holding her 3 month old bee-yoo-ti-ful grandson- these are times I wouldn't trade here for anything. One of the guys on the team this morning asked me what I loved about it here and I sometimes don't even know how to respond to that question. But I try. I talk about the unbelievable people here, how they live wide open and they welcome me like family and they are all about the relationships that we have. I talk about how I love the programs that I'm working with here, helping in the clinic, assisting with the sponsorship stuff at the schools, prepping for the barrio teams, cruising around doing home visits with the Child Nutrition Project. I BELIEVE in the programs that we have here and I LOVE participating. I love my friends here. I loved seeing Nef and Sandy last night at Principe de Paz helping lead an amazing Youth Rally with like HUNDREDS of youth poured into that place. I love the drama of baseball and dominos and hoping the blue truck will start.
But the moments when I feel God MOST here sneak up and surprise me. When Baby Nicole was born in the campos.... when those kids with the horrible pus-infected-heads showed up at Sobacon and made me cry... when I sit on the back on a moto cruising out to Pueblo Nuevo and the sun is juuuuusssstttt coming down over that river at the bridge... when Kari and I are running at the track and the sky grows bigger around us and we can hear all the gente around us gabbing and laughing and doing their thing.... and when I sit by candlelight at a dying woman's bed and rock her grandson to sleep.... these minutes, these precious precious minutes....make me know I was created for this. That He is giving me this and letting me FEEL Him here with me...and hey, that just doesn't happen in life every day now, does it? :) And the hilarious thing is that none of those moments exactly have a job description or a definition- they just happened somehow someway when i was somewhere I was maybe supposed to be. Or maybe not.
I'm gonna sit here this morning- it's quiet in the Guesthouse cuz the team is at church and I'm hanging here hoping the luggage will show up...and I'm chilling HARD. I'm looking at a picture of me when I was maybe 19 or 20, in Haiti on my first mission trip- I cried every day- it was really hard- and I'm holding a little girl named Milla. Milla with Fathoms of Stories In Her Eyes. And I'm reading Jesus Calling, because- really- every single time that I remember to read it- Jesus SPEAKS through the pages. And today it says:
"When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it. "
Psalms 34: I will bless the Lord at all times;
And 2 Cor 1:3-4
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the FATHER OF COMPASSION and the God of ALL COMFORT, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God..."
Digging it....but I bet you could tell that already.
nik
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friends make the world go round....
Possibly my favorite thing this past week was visitors. I LOVE when folks stop in here. And this past weekend I was feeling kinda grim and stressed and crabby, at least until some friends rolled in around lunchtime on Saturday. We threw down some dominos and the world was right again. I love it. I NEEDED it. Wasn't feeling lonely- was feeling irrelevant. And that's stupid. And hard. And I'm over it and I'm glad.
I'm in high gear getting prepped for the first teams to roll in, which means that:
a) I'm hiding all kinds of stuff in my room trying to "save" it for the teams. When I say all kinds of stuff I am SO glad that none of you can see the floor of my closet, or my desk drawers, or my med storage bin...or the shelves over my shoes.
b) I'm hoping to sleep NOW since it won't happen until the teams are gone.
c) I'm trying to make sure that I know where the stuff in the clinic is and communicate to incoming teams our Needs List. This seems to change on an hourly basis. Literally.
d) I'm trying to keep up on the running front since I'm afraid I won't get to in the midst of team madness.
e) I'm looking forward to seeing some folks that I know arrive SOOOOONNNNNNN.
f) I made one last trip to Cercado to visit kids in the Child Nutrition Program since I probably won't get to do that again for a month or so. Sweet little 11 pound baby girl (14 months old!) ate a cracker in front of me and I almost cried. She's not vomiting anymore with her formula- YAY for progress! YAYYYYYYYY! She looked like a dear little bunny rabbit nibbling away. Wish I would have taken pictures.....
g) I did some mad crazy computer work for the Solid Rock Schools since...again...that probably won't happen again until the end of Nov/beginning of December.
h) I gathered 200 toothbrushes for a possible Child Nutrition Program Christmas party in December (again...these are hiding in my closet! It's almost a Medical Goodwill store by now!) in an attempt to plan ahead.
i) I ate very nearly every single M&M in this vicinity hoping that some kind team will bring more. Yes, I am aware that this is disgraceful on my part.
j) I am working in the scary room (UGH!) trying to rearrange a few last things. Did I say rearrange? I meant RELOCATE (probably to the dump!). It would help if I understood exactly what these lapy toys are. But they LOOK cool and I think that might be the most important thing. Some of them are like 2 foot long staplers. Awesome. Until you see that they were sterilized/expired the year that I was born. Ay hombre. Oh man.
k) I am soaking up the baseball playoffs. YES I am DEVASTATED that my team didn't make it. But that doesn't make Nelson Cruz or Albert Pujols any less cool. Geez- it's awesome! Dominican Winter League starts on the 14th and I am planning on hunting down some of my fav jugadors (of course that will be AFTER the teams...of course!)- part of the perks of living in one of the most awesome baseball-focused locales in the whole world.
There's lots more to say but I should be in the Scary Room this very moment hunting rats and "relocating" things. In a nutshell, God is GOOD, even though I'm not...and He's walking me through this prep time step by step and I'm getting EXCITED for the coming days.
(This is the road outside of Jorgillo...where Angel and I visited some kids in the Nutrition Program...absolutely stunning. Every single one of the kids that day was clothed and wearing shoes. Major success stories. What a great feeling.)
I'm in high gear getting prepped for the first teams to roll in, which means that:
a) I'm hiding all kinds of stuff in my room trying to "save" it for the teams. When I say all kinds of stuff I am SO glad that none of you can see the floor of my closet, or my desk drawers, or my med storage bin...or the shelves over my shoes.
b) I'm hoping to sleep NOW since it won't happen until the teams are gone.
c) I'm trying to make sure that I know where the stuff in the clinic is and communicate to incoming teams our Needs List. This seems to change on an hourly basis. Literally.
d) I'm trying to keep up on the running front since I'm afraid I won't get to in the midst of team madness.
e) I'm looking forward to seeing some folks that I know arrive SOOOOONNNNNNN.
f) I made one last trip to Cercado to visit kids in the Child Nutrition Program since I probably won't get to do that again for a month or so. Sweet little 11 pound baby girl (14 months old!) ate a cracker in front of me and I almost cried. She's not vomiting anymore with her formula- YAY for progress! YAYYYYYYYY! She looked like a dear little bunny rabbit nibbling away. Wish I would have taken pictures.....
g) I did some mad crazy computer work for the Solid Rock Schools since...again...that probably won't happen again until the end of Nov/beginning of December.
h) I gathered 200 toothbrushes for a possible Child Nutrition Program Christmas party in December (again...these are hiding in my closet! It's almost a Medical Goodwill store by now!) in an attempt to plan ahead.
i) I ate very nearly every single M&M in this vicinity hoping that some kind team will bring more. Yes, I am aware that this is disgraceful on my part.
j) I am working in the scary room (UGH!) trying to rearrange a few last things. Did I say rearrange? I meant RELOCATE (probably to the dump!). It would help if I understood exactly what these lapy toys are. But they LOOK cool and I think that might be the most important thing. Some of them are like 2 foot long staplers. Awesome. Until you see that they were sterilized/expired the year that I was born. Ay hombre. Oh man.
k) I am soaking up the baseball playoffs. YES I am DEVASTATED that my team didn't make it. But that doesn't make Nelson Cruz or Albert Pujols any less cool. Geez- it's awesome! Dominican Winter League starts on the 14th and I am planning on hunting down some of my fav jugadors (of course that will be AFTER the teams...of course!)- part of the perks of living in one of the most awesome baseball-focused locales in the whole world.
There's lots more to say but I should be in the Scary Room this very moment hunting rats and "relocating" things. In a nutshell, God is GOOD, even though I'm not...and He's walking me through this prep time step by step and I'm getting EXCITED for the coming days.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
got me spinnin.....
There have been some very very small accomplishments in the scary room, most of which involved sorting and throwing out things that expired a billion years ago. However, you can also see the floor which is a major WIN for me. I did come across one very long-dead rat...but after the screaming and gnashing of teeth on my part-..and the summoning of Ernesto to help dispose of said rat, I was able to move onward and upward! There is still MUCH to do but at least the progress is VISIBLE. :)
BEFORE PICTURE (UGH it's so depressing!!!!!)
BEFORE PICTURE (UGH it's so depressing!!!!!)
After picture......small progress.....
So I was also able to go and check on Baby Nicole, who honestly honestly...is just beautiful. I mean- she is BEAUTIFUL. She's not so sure she likes me a whole lot, but when her mama is holding her, she is happy as a lark. And her hilarious siblings keep me rolling with giggles. Her mother gave me delicious mani and grandules. YUM. And I saw Julian too, which is always a WIN. I remember the day of her birth...and of finding Julian there...as one of the best days I have ever had here. What a GIFT.
And this weekend I was able to meet up with Mark and Margy and their boys briefly (oh so briefly but oh so awesome!) in San Pedro. She brought me books and tank tops and M&Ms. Oh joy. Major major joy. I feel RICH! Last night I went running with my new tank top and came home to snack on M&Ms while I watched the Phillies ROCK Game One. Honestly- it was kinda like Christmas. But anyway- how good it is to see familiar faces from home that I love so much! And then sitting down over chinola juice to talk about LIFE....to folks who LOVE IT HERE and GET IT.....just felt so phenomenal. I am so blessed. Plus, when will I get another chance to read Narnia to some cool fellas before bedtime? I AM SO BLESSED!
And now I'm back in SJ, holding down the fort solo with the pooches while Dan and Kari are in the States for a week. So far they (Diego and Genny) have tried to gnaw through a door in total revolt but I think we have moved past that now. :) It's kinda quiet on this Sunday morning but I know that in 13 days group madness will begin and I've got a lot to prepare for. Prayers for safety (is that always going to be my number one prayer request?) are always welcome.........
Do they look guilty? They shouldddddddd......
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